Free-writing, Saturday, 29th July

On forgiving… In my life I have learnt or got used to forgive, may be more than I should have to some account. Not forget though as far as I know. My cousin once refused to take my mother to hospital when she was very ill with a reason that she had said something not that nice to her mother. I cannot remember the reason but it was incomparable to what we were asking. I remember the repulsion and disgust when I put the phone down – I didn’t put it down, I smashed it against the wall. It disintegrated but survived. I met my cousin after couple of years of silence. At the fist the meeting was uneasy but then then we started meeting more and more and the new circumstances brought us closer and closer. I never regret meeting her again. That summer of meetings and going out was one of the best in recent history. The common saying is that we all do mistakes. What in one moment feels painful the other does not anymore. What once upsets us feel normal in a while. Life is fluid, it runs passed us, through us, above us. To get fixed on one particular memory and not let it go is like not forgiving. We become stuck in that one pond of memory that we do not want to let go. Once we let it go we are free to move forwards. The life itself plays jokes and funny games as it is without even interfering, there is no need to make it more funny. One does not forget but the feelings of what happened changes as well. The memory shines on one particular episode then it becomes dark and it shines on another place, the memory is like a huge landscape that shifts, from grey to colour and back. One should not get fixated on it. By being upset on one person about something they have done no matter how bad we miss the changes in the landscape… Is it true to everything. Perhaps not…. Forgiving is still liberating till the borders of forgetting, it does not let it go beyond these borders.

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